Once Upon a Time, Gay was NOT okay!

Anti-homosexual PSA from 1950's/60's

This post follows on the heels of my last one.  It is very hard to believe in today's enlightened age that homosexuality was once considered not only a sin, but a moral defect.  Gay men and lesbian women had to hide in the shadows because otherwise, they would be viewed as social pariahs and misfits.  Homosexuality was a mental disease, a flawed defect.  We can see the attitude toward homosexuals in the above PSA.  I decided to write a play centered around the viewpoint of gay people during the 50's and 60's.  It wasn't until the sexual, hippie revolution of the late sixties that gays began to be viewed as people.  That and the Gay Movement that was ignited by Harvey Milk in the seventies.  Up until that point, gays had to pretend to love the opposite gender in an effort to 'pass' as heterosexual.  The play I wrote, A Posion Tree is in three parts.  'Coming Out' is the first part of three.  It is dedicated to the brave men and women who grew up in the 50's and 60's and had no choice but to live in fear and shame because of their sexuality. 

A Poison Tree 
((this is my original work and any attempt to reprint or copy needs my written permission))

 Part I: ‘Coming Out

Characters: Betty- Younger McAdams sister, 15 years old

                     Barbara- Older McAdams sister, 18 years old

                    Lawrence- Barbara's boyfriend, 18 years old

                    Radio announcer- 50's/60's radio personality voice

Setting: early 1960’s (circa 1962).  Bedroom scene.  Debutante Ball.

Pre-show ‘End of the World’ by Brenda Lee.  As music begins, show slides showing era of context of late 50’s/early 60’s.  This images should show women in traditional roles at the time.

                             

Two young teenage girls are primping for a Debutante ball.  They are not in their undergarments but rather, they are in some form of semi-dress.  One girl may have on a bathrobe while the other girl has on a t-shirt and shorts.  The younger sister, Betty, has her dressed laid out on the bed, but it is not as neatly laid out as Barbara’s, whose dress is hung up.  Barbara, the older sister, is very neat, orderly, and perfectionist.  She likes to chide Betty for her untidiness and disorganization, much like a mother would to a little child.  Betty hangs off of her sister’s words and tries to be more like Barbara each day.  She looks up to her as very the definition of idealized feminine beauty.  In an age of ads and social construct of gender, Barbara is the visual of both pin-up girl and Comet spokeswoman. 

Barbara is putting on make-up in front of the mirror while Betty lays on the bed reading a magazine.  She noisily ruffles pages and blows bubble gum while Barbara instructs her about life from the mirror.

                                                                        BARBARA

(trying to get sister’s attention but not wanting to ruin make-up or get up)  Betty!  Pause  BETTY!?    Pause  B-E-T-T-Y!  Pause.  Bet!?  Pause.  Sheesh.  (Picks up brush and throws it at her sister.)

                                                                            BETTY

(absorbed into her magazine and not at all aware Barbara is even in the room) Ow!  Gee wiz, Barbie, get a thicker brush why don’t you?  This one will only leave a bruise for two days.  If you used your Webster’s Thesaurus I bet you could leave a mark until I’m married with my own chicklettes to attend to.

                                                                         BARBARA

Old maid is more like it!  If any guy finds out about your smelly feet and snoring, you’d be lucky to marry the Creature from the Black Lagoon!

BETTY

Well, one day I’m going to marry one of the Fab Four if he’ll wait for me.  I would just die to live that life of riches and luxury.  Most of all I’d die to be arm in arm with a beefcake with a British accent.  (Screaches.  Holds up her magazine.) Ahhh..they’re all so dreamy. 

BARBARA

(while applying eye liner) You know Betty, we only have one hour to get ready.  You haven’t even showered yet!

BETTY

(smacking loudly on her gum) C’mon sis, while you’re caking up your already gorgeous face, I’m reading all the latest gossip about Ringo so when I meet him next month at The Paramore for their second appearance only to our quaint little town I’ll have something interesting to say.  Then he’ll just ask me to marry him and I’ll be Mrs. Starr.  (Pauses.  Thinks about it.  Screaches again)  I think Ringo is so dreamy I could just die!

BARBARA

Well, you will if mother ever finds out you’re not even half-dressed yet.  Pauses.  Ringo?!  Bet, now c’mon.  You know that all the girls in school admire John the most.  He’s the out of sight one! Ringo doesn’t hold the band together like John does.  Or, Paul who is so invested in his music.  Ringo doesn’t really do anything.

BETTY

Well I think he’s cute.  Besides, if the other girls don’t care for him then that means the chances of having him as my own one day are way out of sight.

BARBARA

(putting on lipstick) You’ll be out of sight if you don’t hurry up, because if you’re not dressed in twenty minutes, you aren’t going to the ball.  (Betty pouts and begins getting her clothes on but is pulled back to her magazine.)  Oh, grow up sis!  You are living in a dream world.  Now, get focused and get ready for tonight.

BETTY

(mocking, under her breath) I’ll do what Barbie says because Barbie knows what’s best for all of us.

BARBARA

I heard that. Pause  Fine.  If you end up with ratted hair and looking like something the cat dragged in, Lawrence won’t take any notice of you at all.

BETTY
Lawrence is soo dreamy!

BARBARA

You think every boy is dreamy.  Now, get dressed before I tell mom that our precious Betty decided to be a square and not to come while ruining her dating life for the next year and then you’ll be sorry. Now scram!

BETTY

Don’t flip a wig!  Pause.  Tell me about what it was like when you first kissed Lawrence?!

BARBARA

Why do you want to know that?

BETTY

Because I bet it was outta sight!

BARBARA

(half-muttering to herself) Well it was not as far out as you might think.  He’s actually a pretty bad kisser.  In fact, it was like kissing a cold, dead fish.

BETTY

EW!  (builds up anticipation, says it slowly) But was it a French Kiss? 

BARBARA

Well it wasn’t an old squaresville married couple kiss if that’s what you mean.

BETTY

(giggling)  OHH!  He smiles just like Dick Clark on ‘American Bandstand’.

BARBARA

 Oh get real!  (throws Betty’s gloves to her)

BETTY

I hope Donald is a better kisser than Lawrence.

BARBARA

Keep on dreaming.  Donald doesn’t even know you exist.

BETTY

He will after tonight.  I’m going to make sure he notices Barbara’s baby sister.

BARBARA

Well maybe I’ll help you with your make-up and your hair.  Right now, you look like the Bride of Frankenstein.

Barbara moves about the room looking for things to help improve Betty’s appearance.  As Barbara does this and in the next beat, ‘Ain’t She Sweet’ by The Beatles plays.  Barbara begins helping Betty choose a hairstyle that suits her by playing with her hair in different positions before settling on a hairdo.  She also tries to begin putting make-up on but Betty is as difficult as a fussy baby eating peas. 

BARBARA

If you don’t stop moving, I’ll never get your face on right.  Now hold still.

Betty stops moving and lets Barbara put some make-up on her.

BETTY

Hey, can I borrow your pearl necklace?

BARBARA

That was Aunt Gerdy’s and mom told both of us that it belongs to no one.

BETTY

Then why are you getting to wear it tonight?

BARBARA

Because Einstein, I am being (affected) presented into society.  That is a girl’s (mocking) most important duty to her future party guests and prospective husband’s clientel.  (Rolls eyes)  You know mom did the same thing about eighteen years ago and grandma did it. 

BETTY

(mocked repetition) And even dear Aunt Gerty was a debutante even though she had a hunchback and a lazy eye.

BARBARA

(Moves over to Betty to hand her a brush.) She just had bad posture.  And, it’s not her fault that one eye chose to wobble around in place.  (Laughs.  Tickles Betty.) Get out of here!  Go finish getting dressed.

Betty and Barbara continue getting dressed.  As they dress, ‘Calandar Girl’ by Neil Sedaka plays.  Barbara is farther along and only has to put on her shoes and gloves.  She is at the point of putting finishing touches on her ‘costumed’ demeanor.  Betty leaves stage in a presumed bathroom.  She puts on her dress and returns with her hair a mess.  Barbara sees the mess that is her sister and begins helping her look more fitting.

BARBARA

Your hair looks like a rat’s nest!  Here let me help you. 

(She takes the brush away and combs Betty’s hair. She also buttons up and smooths out her dress.  Betty pretends she doesn’t appreciate the help but relishes anything her sister does for her.)

BETTY

Ouch!  That hurts!

BARBARA

You’re such a big baby!

BETTY

Well you’re a boob and a ratfink at that!

BARBARA

Fine, I won’t help you at least look like you care about your sister’s big moment of glory.  Go into the lavatory and finish up so at least Frankenstein will be able to find his bride tonight!

Betty pouts and stands there.  She begins trying to look for Barbara’s necklace while she talks at her. 

BARBARA

You are not getting that necklace!  You insulted Aunt Gerty and besides you’ll get to wear it one day when you’re a debutante.  Pause.  Which will be never if you don’t hurry up with that polio leg of yours.

Betty storms off into the bathroom, which is offstage.  Barbara looks around to make sure she is alone.  She has her back to the ‘bathroom’.  Barbara gets a locked jewelry box out of a closet hidden from view.  She has a key hanging from inside the mirror.  She takes the key and opens the box to take out some letters.  As she reads the letters, ‘Love Letters’ by Ketty Lester begins to play.   She begins reading them to herself and gets overjoyed.  She is so happy to read them that she has to quiet her cooing down and looks around again to make sure no one is watching.  After spending a beat with the letters, she takes out the pearl necklace, marvels at it, and puts it on, puts it back into the box, and closes it.  When Barbara turns back around Betty lurks back into the ‘bathroom’.  Betty has been looking out from the bathroom as soon as she hears the cooing, thinking Barbara has gotten the pearls out.  She watches without Barbara knowing and covets the necklace. 

A telephone is heard ringing. As Barbara tries to put the key back behind the mirror her attention is diverted to the telephone and talking to her mother, so she drops it on the floor.  The key dropping to the floor should be obvious to the audience.  Betty also sees the key drop to the floor and she now knows the location of both box and key.

BARBARA

Yes mother?  Pause.  What is it?  Pause.  Lawrence?  Pause.  Okay I’ll be there to get the phone in a second. 

Barbara makes sure to put her locked box with the letters and pearl necklace back into its hiding spot.  She has already locked the box even though the key is on the floor.  She exits.

As Betty enters and looks around the bedroom, the Pink Panther theme by Henry Mancini plays.   Betty suspiciously looks out and looks around trying to make sure her sister has left their room.  She comes out of the bathroom and goes straight to the spot with the locked box and then the key.  She takes it down, opens it up, and puts on the pearl necklace.  She dances around but in the process bumps into the box.  The letters inside fall on the floor.  Betty stops, picks up the letters, picks them up with interest, and begins reading first silently and then out loud.

BETTY

Oh la la!  What have we hear?  A secret admirer?!  I knew it.  She is going steady with Lawrence but she has her eyes set on Hank.  Ohhh!  She is going to…. (Betty slows down and her mood changes.  She begins to read the letter out loud.  She is confused and really taken aback.)

Oh dearest Barbara.  My love, my muse.  My only true one!  I wish we could be together, but Lawrence is so hot headed and doesn’t even like you spending time with girlfriends so where do I fit in?  We can barely sneak away to the movies or the park without him driving around looking for you.  I fear that this cannot continue for now.  Maybe next year we can both go to Wellesley or Sarah Lawrence and then we’ll be free.  Free from the awful shackle of our small minded town.  We could even move to New York City one day.  My Cousin Mable is an artist there and knows all kinds of gay folks, and I don’t mean the common definition.  One can dream can’t she.  Oh my dear one, I dream of the day when we can be in each other’s arms.  Until that day, I’ll dream of you each night.  Yours forever.  Love and kisses, Judith. 

BETTY

What the..?  No..it can’t be.  These lines can be ad libbed.  The raw emotion should be realistic.  She looks like she has just seen an open coffin for a motorcycle accident victim.  She stands on stage for a couple beats stunned.  She sits on her bed with the letters and begins to cry.  She literally doesn’t know what to do or say.

BARBARA

(from the hallway) Yes mom.  I told her to be ready.  I’m sure she is by now.  I’ll go check. 

At hearing Barbara’s voice, Betty jumps and tries to put all the letters back in the box.  She also quickly takes the pearl necklace off but it is sticking.  She is about to be caught red handed but then the necklace unsticks.  She gets all of the box’ contents back in and puts it back in its hiding place.  She is left holding the key when Barbara walks in.

BARBARA

Stop right there in your tracks ratfink!  What were you doing while I went downstairs to answer the telephone?

BETTY

Oh nothing.  Pause.  I..uh..erm..you know me and that pearl necklace.  I just couldn’t resist. 

BARBARA

(grabbing the key from Betty) You snoop!  If you touched that necklace..I promise this will be the last debutant presentation you ever see.

BETTY

(lying but believable) I couldn’t find your secret hiding spot.  I mean, do you hide that necklace in an old shoe or something?  (frazzled) I looked everywhere and I couldn’t find it.  Maybe you put it under the mattress.  (pretends to look)

BARBARA

Stop looking.  (partly relieved) It’s well hidden. Beat.  And now that I have my key back it’s time for Cinderella to get ready for the ball my dear.  You wouldn’t want Donald to see you without your rouge on.  Go put on your face dearie!

BETTY

Oh Donald!  He’s so dreamy.

Betty exits again to the bathroom offstage.  ‘Barbara Ann’ by the Regents (or The Beach Boys) plays.  Barbara takes the key and puts it back behind the mirror.  She looks for the box in it’s hiding place, sees that its seemingly untouched, and gets the key out to unlock the box for the pearl necklace.  She notices that the hook gets stuck and starts to look annoyingly toward the bathroom.  She begins to panic and looks at her letters.  They seem in place so she calms down and sits down in front of the mirror again.  After returning the box to a new part of the closet, she begins primping at the mirror again.  She looks at herself a long time in the mirror and admires the necklace. 

BETTY

(from bathroom) I’m almost ready.

BARBARA

(lying, mimicks listening) Good because I think I hear dad getting the car started.  I bet mother will be in a fit.  (knocks on the door and pulls her sister out of the bathroom to go)

Cue Music.  ‘Elmer 21 Century Hop’ by Rodd Keith plays.  It is followed by ‘Glow Worm’ by Johnny Mercer.  Lights dim as scene shifts from bedroom to debutante ball.  This can be a pretty bare bones scene. The lighting should be mock chandelier lighting and the décor can be simple.  What the audience sees now is the lobby of the banquet hall for the ball.  There is 60’s style swing/ball music being played.  If there are extras (ie. vignettes), they can walk casually back and forth in ball attire (white dress and tuxedos). 

As lights go up, Betty is sitting on couch/divan contemplating a decision.  She thinks out an imaginary conversation with someone or maybe a small group of people.  As, she thinks, the people walking by begin to stop and say certain lines to Betty.

BETTY

..and that is what I’m worried about.  Pause.  Oh no, it doesn’t mean that I’m… Pause.  Well, I always knew that she was… Pause.  She said that kissing boys was like kissing a cold fish.  Pause.  Whenever I bring up the boy topic, she always gets nervous.  Pause.  I always knew something had to be wrong with her.  It’s not natural the way she acts.  Pause.  I saw a movie about this in science class and they call it a disease.  Barbara is perverted and a deviant at that.  Pause.  Yea, they should lock her up in the funny farm for good.  Keep us all safe.  Pause.  Betty, did you ever meet the other girl?  Does she look like half-ape, half-human or what?  Pause.  For real, is she a B movie experiment gone wrong?  I bet she looks like the bearded lady at the circus!  Pause.  What does this mean Betty?  What does this mean Betty?  What does this mean?  What does this mean? 

The people walking by repeat these lines and they leave one by one.  Then Betty repeats these lines out loud to herself.

A very handsome, debonair but conceited young male walks onto stage.  He is wearing a (period early 60’s) tuxedo with a rose in his lapel.  He looks rushed, worried, and pressed for time.

LAWRENCE

(shushes Betty)  Will you keep your voice down.  You’ll wake the dead. What on earth is the matter with you?  Have you seen Barbara anywhere? 

BETTY

Oh sorry.  I guess I am being too loud out here.

LAWRENCE

Well, it’s not like you’re about to act in a Shakespearean play for crying out loud.  What in Sam’s hill are you doing?

BETTY

I was just talking something over.

LAWRENCE

To yourself?  Pause.  You are crazier than a loon.  Your sister was right when she…

BETTY

What did Barbara say about me?

LAWRENCE

Well, she always says what an imagination you have and how you get carried away in your daydreaming but this is really taking the cake.  Laughs. (snidely) I’m sure the boys would love to hear about this. 

BETTY

You mean Donald?  You hang out with him right?  Donald Milstadt? 

LAWRENCE

(laughs) Oh, you don’t mean the boy you long for and stare at all day do you?  That wasn’t obvious at all.

BETTY

What did my sister tell you?

LAWRENCE

It doesn’t take a Braniac McGee to know how much you pine for The Donald Milstadt, number one quarter back and forward..the handsome and suave Donald Milstadt whose mother is a close friend of my own?

BETTY

Stop teasing me.  You’re always so mean to me.

LAWRENCE

I do it because it’s easy and it’s fun.

BETTY

(muttering) Well thank goodness it’s just temporary.

LAWRENCE

What did you say?

BETTY

Just that you being so mean to me is only temporary.  Once Donald gives me his pin,  you’ll be forced to change your tune.

LAWRENCE

You mean, if he gives you his pin.  It’s a big if.  And you better start sucking up if you want me to do you any favors. 

BETTY

I’d be doing you a huge favor by telling you what Barbara really thinks of you.

LAWRENCE

What are you talking about?  Barabara’s wild about me.  I bet you didn’t even know that we’ve been to Lover’s Point.

BETTY

Ew, I don’t want to know about that.  Pause.  But I’m sure she really, er, um enjoyed herself.  Betty begins laughing.

LAWRENCE

It seemed like she did.

BETTY

She probably had her mind on other…things.

LAWRENCE

What are you talking about?  Is there another boy?   What did she tell you exactly?

BETTY

I mean…well..erm…Barbara thinks kissing you is like kissing a cold, dead fish.

LAWRENCE

Oh she does?  Then how come she never pushes me away?

BETTY

Your breath smells nice.

LAWRENCE

C’mon your sister Barbie thinks I’m number one.  I’m the supreme hot honcho in her book. We’re going to be married someday. No guy can ever replace me..not now..not ever. (smoothes hands through hair.)

BETTY

(mumbles) Yea, not a guy is right.

LAWRENCE

Didn’t Barbie ever tell you that mumbling isn’t polite?  Pause.  What did you say? 

BETTY

(enjoying getting a rise out of Lawrence) Oh nothing.  (smirks)  It’s fun to play the secret game though.  I love watching a big goon like you squirm.

LAWRENCE

Who could replace me?  I’ll ask you again.  Which boy is she with? Is it Scott?  Is it Paul?  I knew I smelled another man’s aftershave on her letter sweater!  I don’t buy that cheap stuff from the Five and Dime.  I’m too dignified for that.

BETTY

I didn’t know they made you pay for bathing in garbage and dead fish.

LAWRENCE

(smells himself) I smell like a guy.  Girls like the way guys smell.  Pause.  Who is it already!?  I’ll beat him to a pulp.  Is it that greaser Paul?

BETTY

Paul!?  (laughs nervously)  I have the key and you will never unlock the secret.

LAWRENCE

Even if it includes getting Donald Milstadt to take you out and even ask you to go steady?  Even if it means your saga filled heart breaking ballad of a life will at this very moment never be the same again?

BETTY

What?

LAWRENCE

I could more than guarantee Donald’s phone call late morning tomorrow asking you to wear his pin.  Maybe even his letter jacket.

BETTY

(unable to contain herself)  You mean it!?

LAWRENCE

Consider it already done.

BETTY

Why should I believe a ratfink like you?  I’ll never tell Barbara’s secret!

LAWRENCE

So she is keeping something eh?  Pause.  What if I guaruntee you a spot on the cheerleading squad? 

BETTY

How can you do that?

LAWRENCE

Duh!  Because my sister is the captain!  She told me that this year you had good moves but there is just no room for freshman pipsqueaks like you.  (mock cries)

BETTY

Fine!  You have to promise Barbara that you never heard this from me!

LAWRENCE

Who is it?  It’s Paul right?  That hood who rides the motorcycle around town thinking he’s so bad.  Well I’ll show him who’s bad.

BETTY

Not he.  Pause.  She.

LAWRENCE

(getting worked up, takes a minute to sink in)

He’s so tough.  I’ll be the one laughing.  He’ll be…WHAT?!

BETTY

It’s not some beefcake you have to worry about.  Pause.  Do you know that girl who sits in the library reading poetry during pep rallies?  The girl who is in all the school plays and basically teaches Ms. Ray’s English class? 

LAWRENCE

Judith Thompson?  (laughs maniacally)

BETTY

No.  I’m serious.

LAWRENCE

What?  How can..??  Pause.  That is disgusting.  Your sister is not a pervert.  Pause.  Well that means.  I’m not…  No way do I like other beefcake..I mean other boys.

BETTY

Well no one said that!

LAWRENCE

I have to stop her.  I have to warn…this is not going to bring me down.  Pause.  Betty, your pin.  A promise is a promise.

BETTY

(hands her pin to Lawrence) So what about Donald and the cheerleading pep squad?  I just know I’ll fit right in with the other girls.  I wonder if..

Lawrence thinks for a while pacing back and forth.  Betty dreams up a popular fantasy life for herself and as she does, Lawrence walks off while her back is turned and she talks to herself.

BETTY

Lawrence?  Pause.  LAWRENCE!  (fearfully) Oh no, what have I just done.

Cue music ‘You Don’t Own Me’ by Leslie Gore which has cultural and contextual significance here.  As music plays, Betty paces through the audience looking for either Lawrence or Betty.  She even asks audience members, shaking them and asking ‘Have you seen my sister or Lawrence?’.  Betty remains in wings in audience immobilized in place as she looks at the stage in front of her.  Barbara and Lawrence enter and begin fighting.

BARBARA

Lawrence, have you gone mad?  You’re making a scene!

LAWRENCE

Betty told me all about your little side squeeze. 

BARBARA

Lawrence, you know you’re the only boy for me.

LAWRENCE

Did I say that you’re seeing another boy?

BARBARA

(worried but trying to mask it) Lawrence, what are you going on about?  You don’t know what you’re talking about?

LAWRENCE

I think we both know that’s not true.

BARBARA

Lawrence.  Stop this right now.  We have to present ourselves to the guests.

LAWRENCE

(Grabs Barbara’s arm) I don’t want to be even seen with you in public.  You disgust me!

BARBARA

What did I do?  You’re the only boy I’ve been going steady with. 

LAWRENCE

Do you love me?

BARBARA

Of course.  I have your pin and your class ring.  I even have your letter sweater. 

LAWRENCE

If I asked yout to marry me right now, would you say ‘yes’?

BARBARA

That’s a little premature don’t you think?  Even more traditional women go to college for a couple of years before getting married. 

LAWRENCE

But you’re no traditional woman, are you? 

BARBARA

Lawrence, you have known this whole time that I’m more of a modern woman.

LAWRENCE

Yea, a little too modern for my taste.

BARBARA

What do you mean by that, Lawrence?

LAWRENCE

Are you and Judith just friends?  Or is there more to that story?

BARBARA

Who told you that?

LAWRENCE

Is it true or not?

BARBARA

I can’t believe…Betty.  (aside) She was snooping around looking for that pearl necklace.  I have been so careless.  I should have been more careful.

LAWRENCE

That’s what I thought.  (Puts his hand out).  My pin.

Barbara gives Lawrence his pin.  Lawrence gives Barbara her pin.

BARBARA

(in tears) Lawrence, I can explain. 

LAWRENCE

There’s no need for any explanation.  You digust me.  I can’t even look at you.  You lied to me and what’s worse is that this is all an act.  You don’t deserve to be a debutante.  You’re immoral, a disgrace to your family, to the entire town.  And to think I was going to marry you one day and have you raise our children.  You should be locked away and hidden from the world. 

Barbara is beside herself.  She runs away crying.  Cue music.  ‘Chapel of Love’ by the Dixie Cups begins to play as set-up changes. 

At this point, the stage can be half-lit and house lights half up to make the audience think something is amiss.  Don’t go as far to make the audience get up though.  Betty can say coaxing things like ‘No it’s okay, don’t leave.’  Lawrence has a microphone in his hand and either there is a recording which he speaks over or the microphone actually works.

LAWRENCE

Excuse me everyone!  Ladies and gentleman.  I don’t want to alarm you but there seems to be something not  quite right here.  (sarcastically) Have you seen Barbara McAdams?  Barbara?  Oh there’s her sister Betty (points to Betty).  Hi Betty!  Well everyone, I was just parlayed some interesting juicy gossip.  It seems that we have a debutante no no, a taboo.  According to (reads from document) article 35 in the Parksville Debutante and Society Handbook that under no circumstances are debutantes to fraternize with members of the opposite sex that come into violation of the rules of dignity, modesty, and decency.  It seems one of our debutante’s has broken this rule.  Pause.  I know what you’re all thinking.  Who’s the boy?  Well it certainly isn’t me and we’re not talking about a boy either.  Now, I think you can imagine what I’m talking about.  I don’t need to spell it out.  We cannot allow ‘pariahs’ and ‘sexual misfits’ to be presented out into society.  Not our humble, modest society of Parksville.  I won’t stand for it and neither will either of you.  Pause.  On a happier notePause.  You may continue the dance. 

During this speech Betty exits.  Cue music to play ‘Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows’ by Leslie Gore.  She returns after Lawrence has exited/  Betty is in a state of disarray.  She is barefoot.  Her dress is disheveled as well as her hair.  Her make-up is running and she is missing a glove. She is screaming and pleading with the audience, rousing a person every now and again.

BETTY

(different volumes of whimpers and distressed screams)

Barbara?  Where is my sister?  Where is…(cries)?  Where is my sister?  Have you seen my sister anywhere?  Did you see her?  Barbara?  Was she here just now?  Where did she go?  She went where?  I don’t understand.  No, Barbara, my sister. 

While Betty is rousing the audience, the stage is in darkness.  Barbara creeps onto stage without being noticed and lays down on the floor.  Music should swell and come to crescendo as lights go up and Betty notices her sister’s body.

BETTY

NO!  Barbara!  What have I done?  I can’t believe… No!

RADIO

Tonight, Barbara McAdams of the prominent McAdams enterprise in real estate has been laid to rest at St. Angelica’s Cathedral in the west side of town.  She is survived by her parents, Mitsy and Thomas, and also by her sister, Betty.  Her parents found her body hanging in the bedroom.  No note was found but there was a brokoen pearl necklace and several shredded letters all over the floor.  Excuse me folks, this just in.  We’re getting the news as we broadcast it to you live.  It seems that the said victim was in a lover’s spat and I guess she read too much into that good ole’ play we know as ‘Romeo and Juliet’.  Her boyfriend could not be found for comment.  In other news today…(broadcast fades)

Slowly cue eerie music. ‘Poison Tree’ by Grouper begins to play.   Betty is left holding her sister’s body, cradling it in her arms. She is crying and emoting heavily as music cues and there is an eerie blue filtered light on both sisters. 

 END OF PART 1

As I said, this play has three parts.  This first part takes place in the early 1960's on the East Coast and it is about the love and ultimate betrayal between two sisters, Betty and Barbara McAdams.  The second part is set in the early 1970's in San Francisco and focuses on the blossoming love between a hippie white woman, Amber and a strong black man, James.  The third part is set in Israel around 2007.  It is about the friendship between an Israeli, Eron and a Palestinian, Fouad.  All three parts are about the love and betrayal between two people.  If you are interested in the entire play, please send me an email.  I appreciate you reading my original material.

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Theatrically yours,

~R~

 

STOP..Tony Time

                                              'The Show Must Go On', 1991, Queen

                   (What I'd listen to immediately upon realizing I had not gotten a part or call-back)

This is the first time actually sitting down to watch 'The Tony's'. Christopher Durang deserves best play for 'Vonya and Sonia and Masha and Spike'. He is a genius! Remembering that his work was the first play I acted in at Kenyon and the first play I directed on my own. I also had the pleasure of meeting him a year ago. He's a very humble and nice person and enjoys meeting fans of his work. I had a long, genuine conversation and he promised to read my blog. I'm also glad that Cyndi Lauper won a Tony for her work 'Kinky Boots' which has broken many barriers. Watching the Tony's makes me really miss my theater days (acting,directing, teching). Here's to hoping I find my way back to that as well! I'll be here, in Brooklyn, writing plays even if none of them ever make it to the stage! I just write to keep myself connected to the theater world even if it's by a glittering shadow of a thread!

I actually dedicate this post to my grandmother, Lillian Brown Zabrack who was my true and my first theater teacher.  I was always acting out cartoons and movies in the living room, and she would watch.  She would tell me stories using many voices and imitating many characters' mannerisms, one being 'The Soda Clerk' (which I still remember distinctly).  She wanted to be a famous actress, herself, and even had an acting and dancing school in NYC with her sister, Mae, at one point.  My grandmother never got to be a movie star.  But she taught her grandson everything she knew.  My grandmother taught me how to memorize lines and how to enunciate.  When I had to memorize poems in elementary school, she gave me pointers on how to be more dramatic and where to pause (short pause after commas and long pauses after periods).

She even tried to teach me tap dancing and took me to a few of her classes.  I still remember how proud I was of her when she would perform at the Jewish Community Center.  One time she was a robot and tap danced her way into everyone's heart.  The best story is when her dance group, 'The Classy Kickers' went to be extras in a movie, 'King of the Hill'.  However, my grandma got on the wrong bus and actually ended up in the movie.  Her friends, unfortunately, did not.  I have a hunch that my grandma got on that bus on purpose.  She wanted to leave her legacy somehow.  She had a love for all things glitzy, like Vegas and Branson.  I'm sure she would have adored Dollywood had she the opportunity to go.  I have not seen the movie but I know to look for a derby hat.  However, it was because of my grandmother that I swore I would get on stage one day, though she never lived to see it. 

As I sit here watching The 2013 Tony Awards, I remember all of the wonderful times I have had within the theater world.  There have been many.  I have acted, directed, stage managed, and filled in various other technical theater roles from high school through college.  I still remember the first show that made me fall in love with theater and how I got 'bitten' by 'the bug'.  It was sophomore year of high school when I was transported to a different universe while watching 'Tommy' performed not by a bunch of high school kids but kids who could sing, dance, and act their way into another land.  I wanted to be part of that magic, and so I began my journey into the theater world.

I started out by doing technical theater.  I worked my way up the ladder.  I showed up to build sets on Saturday and after school.  I volunteered for run crew, and though it wasn't glorious it gave me the feeling that I was part of something, a world where I belonged.  All of the kids were nearly as eccentric and odd as I was.  So I looked forward to every moment spent around sets and stages.  What I longed for, however, was to act.  I tried out for a couple of plays but I did not end up getting a part.  See, I wasn't in any theater classes, since at my school, you had to pick one art class, and I chose band.  If I had it all to do over again, I'm not sure I would  have made the same choice.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love music too.  I love every aspect of the arts, so making a kid like me pick was like asking a four year old to pick only one flavor of ice cream (out of a choice of at least 15).   Like the four year old wanting every single flavor, I wanted to try out every single art class available but I couldn't.

However, I am not regretful of getting into theater.  I have my high school theater teachers to thank for that, Patrick Huber and Carolyn Hood, to whom I will ALWAYS be indebted toward.  They sacrificed so much and put a lot on the line to make sure we had one hell of an amazing theater program (I realize this now being a teacher).  Also, they recognized my passion for theater and hunger to learn everything I could about that world.  Patrick saw that I was multi-faceted as an artist and could express myself in many ways.  He trusted me enough to draft plans to paint a set after a very talented set designer graduated.  He also cast me in my first play, 'A Prelude to a Kiss' where I played a priest, of all things.  It was the highlight of my Junior year.  After that play ended, I only wanted to act more.  I also tried my hand at writing plays and wrote my very first play (not very good) based on a horror movie I had seen.  I shamefully admit that though I made the play my own, that my work was too closely tied to the movie (which also wasn't very good).  However, I have Dan Piquet to thank for encouraging me to write plays and take me seriously.

Then, senior year, I had the luck somehow of getting cast as the male lead in our musical, 'No No Nanette'.  To say I was shocked was a complete understatement.  The lead roles (both male and female) usually went to kids who were cast in the musical all four years.  Kids who worked their way up from chorus to dance captain to nurse #2.  I skipped over that process.  The very first time anyone ever heard me sing publicly and it got me the lead role.  I still remember asking friends, 'How do I sound?'  Well, I think everyone was quite surprised that I could sing, including myself.  Carolyn Hood took a chance on a kid who was dying for the attention of the stage.  And I will never forget how nervous I was filling the shoes of people who had graduated before me.  I kept doubting myself and wondered if I could possibly fulfill all of my duties.  I still remember the one note that I got from Miss Hood.  She told me that, 'You are perfect.  I wouldn't change anything.'  This was coming from a director who was blunt and from an outside perspective would have seemed to be tearing into the actors.  However, I knew she was honest and had high standards which is why my knees were knocking.  But she gave me the confidence to go above and beyond even my own expectations.

I carried this confidence into college which is perhaps why I eventually dropped my drama major.  It's not that I thought I was hot shit or anything.  Actually, I've always had very low self-esteem and I can admit that now.  Even when people compliment me, I think they're lying.  So when I tried out for play after play in college and did not even get a call back, I was frustrated and distraught.  One time, a freshman hallmate took advantage of my raw emotions to get an A on an eavesdropping assignment for class.  Yea, that's the kind of manipulative and dirty games I was dealing with.   In my freshman drama class, there were a lot of fakers and insolent brats.  A lot of kids came to drama class pretending they knew everything and acted like their shit smelled like perfume and candy.  And there were no 'warm fuzzies' within the drama department.  It was mostly full of insecure and self-loathing, pretentious phonies (yes, I sound like Holden Caulfield).  But, I was the kid who sat in class and absorbed everything.  I wanted to learn everything I could about acting, playwriting, technical theater, directing.  But, I never got that chance.  I felt like a puppy who just wanted a chance to get into the proper obedience school with a trainer who saw my potential.

Instead, I got cold and austere vibes from many of the professors; I got envy and venom from fellow drama majors/students.  Clearly, they weren't as passionate as I was, right?  I actually rehearsed parts for plays I wanted to get into.  I took every single audition seriously and wanted so desperately to be noticed by any director.  I soon realized, however, that there was a ladder here too.  So, I started doing techie stuff.  My first role was in a Christopher Durang play, 'Beyond Therapy' that my friend Jillian directed.  I realized that you had to be cast in a play, even a student (non-mainstage) show to get noticed.  It wasn't until my sophomore year being Reverend Canon Chasuble in 'The Importance of Being Earnest' that I was even called back for a mainstage play.  It wasn't until I dropped my drama major during my Junior year that I was cast in a mainstage play, 'As You Like It'.   And I have Professor John Tazewell to thank for building my confidence and making me see that I actually had merit a person and contributed something to my college theater world.  Note that I also dropped my drama major because at that moment in my life, I decided to fully dedicate myself toward being an activist.  I felt that theater and activism were mutually exclusive.  Boy was I wrong.  It was during a summer in London that I fully realized this fact seeing plays that were both inspirational and political.

I also did my college abroad experience centered around theater.  I was in the Washington University Globe Theater program which taught me that there were clearly other ways to view theater that weren't through an Aristotelian lens.  That and I became frightened of one Jane Lapotaire who told me never to play Puck or she would 'haunt my dreams'.  I wanted her to say 'wow, you're the best actor I've seen since Lawrence Olivier' (not really, but yes really).  I always felt I had some special spark that other did not possess and that some seasoned actor or director would pull me aside and tell me to be their protege.  I hate admitting this now but there was a time when I wanted my name to be spoken in every single  household across America.  Some might call that an 'attention whore', but I call it being inspired having high expectations.  It's not that I really thought I was that talented, it's just that I really thought I had promise as some 'theatrical' force to be reckoned with.  I can admit this now because I think it's quite silly.  

I am sad to say that my interest in theater has dwindled and I'm not sure why.  My passion now is for teaching and I have done a little bit of dabbling into the theater world in my role as an educator.  However, I think about what the kid version of me would say.  He would kick my ass most likely.  See, there was a time that I wanted to actually be an actor.  Not necessarily a stage, theater actor, but a film or television actor.  I have been told (by people who know the biz) that I have a theatricality and 'face' for TV, for sitcoms.  I know I'm a pretty decent character actor.  My wife has even told me to get into doing voice over work.  However, I just feel too tired at this point in my life.  I feel like my disappointments outweigh my success at this juncture.  I can't even begin to think about what would happen if I went to a real audition.  Blowing it is not even a question.  I'm out of sync with who I used to be.  That and I feel like I peeked 15 years ago.  My psoriatic arthritis would not let me dance and my voice is definitely not as tightly trained as it once was (when I was singing for 6-7 hours a day). 

I do write plays still.  I owe that ability to college in that I got ingrained with an Aristotelian sense of drama and how it works.  I also took a playwriting class with a semi-recognizable playwright, WM (trust me, her plays aren't great).  We used to make fun of her plays back in freshman drama class.  And taking class with her made me realize that hacks don't make good teachers.  I got better feedback an encouragement from peers in my class than from her.  She did teach me, however, that writing makes good revenge.  Case in point.  It wasn't until I wrote a play as a final for an English Restoration Drama class that I even realized that I had some recognizable talent.  See, I was going to write a term paper and then at the last minute, I was like, what the hell am I doing?  We had a choice to write a play, and that's what I enjoy.  So during my all-nighter, I switched directions and in three hours, I had a forty page college sex farce.  My professor was shocked when I told her that I had gotten no encouragement with this skill, whatsoever, within the drama department.  Actually, she wasn't shocked as much as surprised.

So this is my story of heartache and a journey to find the light.  Being on stage is a place where I not only feel powerful and invincible but it's also a place where I feel like I belong.  Hopefully those hot lights will one day saturate my skin which has a thin layer of pancake make-up eyeliner (you know so your eyes pop).  I still have dreams where I'm told to go on and I don't know my lines.  That or I cannot find my costume, but I'm asked to go on anyway.  I have this dream of being on stage often.  I also have dreams that I'm on a television reality show (like Project Runway even though I cannot sew).  Yea, I have really weird dreams.  But something tells me that this whole being on stage thing isn't over.  Friend of mine just say 'oh you're taking a break'.  I remember, though that the bite by the theater bug is still glowing, though not as bright; it also doesn't have such a stinging pang anymore either. 

So here's to hoping that one day either one of my plays makes it somewhere or my talent (or what's left of it) as an actor or director gets me back on a stage, in a theater.  Who knows what the future holds.  Right now, I just hope to get back to teaching since I know that is my true calling.  If I end up doing theater related stuff on the side, then so be it.  Let the Fate Sisters do their work!  'Double, double, toil and trouble, cauldron burn and fire bubble..'

The show must go on,

~R~

                                                   'A Kind of Magic', 1986, Queen

   

                               (what I used to listen to in order to pump myself up before an audition)

What's a Jew to Do: Part 1

This is the beginning to a play I'm working on.  It will be written in three parts, and as always with my writing, especially my fiction, I appreciate feedback.  I will be continually editing this.  However, this is a first, rough draft of the play.  I'll be updating it periodically as I edit and make changes.  Thanks and enjoy! 

NOTE: It started as a short story but I changed it to a play because, well, it was funneling out more as a play in my head.  I think it sits better as a play; that's how I was visualizing it.

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What’s a Jew to Do?

(this is my original work and any attempt to reprint or copy needs my written permission)

Part 1

Lights up on a stage set to look like a college apartment.  There is a couch set at a diagonal CSR.  A computer desk is across from it SL.  Daniel’s bedroom is DSR and Ethan’s bedroom is DSL.  The kitchen area is UCS and the front door is USL.  The stage can be pretty bare except for the necessities like a couch and a desk with a laptop. 

Daniel and Ethan are dressed like typical college students.  Except that Daniel is much more clean cut than Ethan.  Ethan is a ‘hippie Jew’ and can have tie-dye, dreads, overalls, the works.  Daniel is wearing jeans and a college sweatshirt.  Though they contrast, it shouldn’t be too apparent.

ETHAN

(with a Santa hat, singing)

“Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, have a happy holiday.  Everyone dancing merrily in a new old fashioned way.”

DANIEL

(annoyed)

Cut that shit out, Ethan!

ETHAN

Daniel, chill, the song was written by a member of the tribe, after all!

Daniel walks across the apartment to the computer and turns the speakers down.

ETHAN

I mean, it’s not like you’re going to synagogue these days.  The last time you went was Yom Kippur nineteen ninety what?

DANIEL

Ethan, I don’t mind the Christmas carols, really I don’t.  I just wish you wouldn’t blast them and sing along like we’re Santa’s fucking elves or something.

ETHAN

Okay, okay.  I get it.”  Ethan walks to the computer and begins typing something that Daniel cannot see.  He, in fact, changes the Pandora station on the computer which changes the mood entirely.  “Maybe you vant a little bit of the old country, nu?  Daniel, boychik? (pinches Daniel’s cheek)

Some very “Jewish” sounding klezmer band music starts to play.  Ethan begins to clap his hands together first left, then right.  He then begins to stomp on the floor making it look like he knows what he’s doing but in fact he is ad-libbing a ‘tribal’ looking Jewish dance.

DANIEL

That’s not much better.  Why can’t you just turn on some indie or 70’s power rock?  You know, like a normal person?

ETHAN

Damn, dude.  Are you still pissed after Alana dumped you?  What did she say, that you weren’t ‘Jewish’ enough or something?

DANIEL

Ethan, can we please not talk about this.  Daniel sulks for a second and takes another swig of his Sam Adams Winter Lager.  Okay, for your information, I went to dinner with Alana and her parents.  It was a complete fucking disaster.  We went to this kosher deli over in Brookline and it was, what do you call it when you can only eat meat?

ETHAN

Ethan clears his throat and makes a sound like he is going to spit.  ‘Fleishig?’

DANIEL

Yea, and so we sit down to eat.  Me, being a dumbass, asks the waiter for a cheeseburger.

ETHAN

So?  Dude, there are lots of Jews who eat cheeseburgers.

DANIEL

Yea, but Alana’s parents are pretty Jewish.  They didn’t even want to eat at this restaurant that Alana picked because they didn’t think it was ‘kosher’ enough.

ETHAN

What do you mean?  A restaurant is either kosher or not, end of story.

DANIEL

Ethan, apparently, some restaurants are like SUPER kosher because of the rabbi blessing the food or something.  So this restaurant ended up being fine, but believe me, Alana’s parents had to talk to the owner and chefs for like twenty minutes.  They flipped out because they saw a woman eating a bagel with cream cheese.  But, the cream cheese was tofu and therefore..

ETHAN

Therefore, it wasn’t dairy.  It was pareve, so the restaurant wasn’t mixing meat and milk.

DANIEL

Right.  But Alan’s mother nearly had a coronary right then and there.  That woman is so uptight.  But anyway, so we sit down and Alana’s father is even wearing a yarmulke.

ETHAN

Alan’s mom is hot, dude.  Does she wear a sheitel though?

DANIEL

A what?

ETHAN

You know, a wig.  I think Orthodox women who wear wigs are even hotter than those who don’t.

DANIEL

You’re fucked.  No, she wears hats.  You know, those big frilly elaborate hats that probably cost $300 each.  But, you’re getting me off the point, shitwad!

ETHAN

Okay, well go on.  I’m all ears.

DANIEL

Well, so anyway, everyone is ordering, and I ask for a cheeseburger.  Then, Alana’s parents stare at me in shock.  They didn’t know, though, that the restaurant also had vegetarian cheese.

ETHAN

Okay, so they think you’re a little out of it.  But, why is that such a big deal?

DANIEL

Well it’s what happens next.  Do you remember the story of when I was a kid?

ETHAN

Which one, your family is really fucked up.

DANIEL

The one where I go to Sunday School and learn about being kosher.  I then go home and tell my parents that I want to keep kosher.  So they agree and try it, though they continue eating shrimp and ham.  So, every Saturday morning, my mom would cook a special, big breakfast.

ETHAN

You know that if your parents were respecting your wish to keep kosher then they should have also told you about not cooking on the Sabbath.

DANIEL

Whatever, will you let me continue?  Ethan nods.  Okay, so every Saturday morning, my mom liked to cook eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes, the works, ya know?  So, me wanting to keep kosher, she tries to buy these tofu sausages that taste like cardboard.  So, usually I just eat what everyone else has except for the pork products.  So, there’s this one specialty she makes called ‘backahn’.  I used to think it was out of some special Jewish cookbook.  It was so good.

ETHAN

Dude, I’ve never heard of ‘backahn’.

DANIEL

That’s because it doesn’t exist.   While I was at lunch with the Nissenbaums, I take some ‘backahn’ out of my coat pocket.  You know, I carry it around and eat it like beef jerky sometimes.

ETHAN

That’s weird, dude.

DANIEL

 So when I get my burger, I put it on my plate.  Everyone, including the waiter just stares at me, horrified, like I had just slaughtered a baby deer right on the table!

ETHAN

Why? I don’t get it.

DANIEL

After Alana refused to every see me again, I called my mom and asked her about it directly.  I asked her why my eating the ‘backahn’ caused the restaurant to temporarily close and Alan’s parents to cover their eyes, run out the door, push Alana in the back seat of their car, and speed away like...

ETHAN

Like they had seen Satan in the flesh?

DANIEL

Ethan, Jews don’t believe in Satan!

ETHAN

Yes they do.  He’s in the story about Adam and Eve.  Anyway, what did your mom tell you?

DANIEL

You know for someone so knowledgeable about Judaism, you sure don’t act very ‘Jewish’.

ETHAN

What does that mean?  I’m a Rasta Jew, mon.  I smoke da herb like my forefathers did.

DANIEL

Not this bullshit again how Moses and Abraham got high.

ETHAN

How else do you explain burning bushes and oceans moving?  Totally psychedelic!  But, back to you.  What about this ‘backahn’ thing?

DANIEL

So, when I called my mom and told her about the Alana incident, she told me, very matter-of-factly, that this entire time I had been eating bacon.  ‘Backahn’ WAS bacon.  She told me that I enjoyed it so much that she didn’t have the heart to tell her six year old that it wasn’t kosher for Jews to eat.  Apparently, even after I stopped trying to be kosher, she never told her twenty two year old son either.

ETHAN

Oh damn.  I didn’t realize your family was that fucked.  So that’s why Alana dumped you.  She had big tits.  That’s too bad.

DANIEL

Dude, is that all you think about?

ETHAN

Pretty much. Ethan takes gets up to turn off the music and gets another beer. So we’re all set to go to New York for New Years, right?  We’ll stay at my cousin’s apartment.  He’s in Israel with his family right now.

DANIEL

Your cousin Josh?  Isn’t he gay?

ETHAN

That’s why his parents are taking him to Israel.  To find him a ‘nice Jewish girl’ and a rabbi who will ‘cure him’.

DANIEL

Dude, you think my family’s fucked up.  Look at yours.

ETHAN

It’s just my mom’s sister’s family.  They’re all whack jobs.  My mom hardly ever talks to Aunt Miriam.  You know, she was in a cult in the sixties.  She lived on a commune out in California and did tons of LSD.  I think it fried her brain a little bit.  She ended up marrying this really religious guy with lots of money and she’s become kind of frum.

DANIEL

Huh?

ETHAN

You know, Orthodox.  She covers her head and doesn’t wear pants.  When she found out Josh was gay, she flipped out.  So now, they’re all in Israel, finding their Jewish roots as a family.  And finding Josh a nice, quiet Jewish girl who will put up with his ‘eccentricities’.

DANIEL

Aren’t there gay people in Israel?

ETHAN

Yea, totally.  Josh will be fine.  I’m sure he’ll meet some big butch army guy and come back here and get married right here in gay old Massachusetts.

DANIEL

I’m sure your aunt would love that.  She’d have him committed.

ETHAN

So, dude, anyway, their apartment is huge.  It’s in Brooklyn Heights in this really expensive neighborhood.  Plus, we’ll have it all to ourselves.  Think about it.  What could two dudes like us do with such a situation?  It’d be like ‘Big Lebowski’ or ‘Hangover’ proportions minus the scrawny, nerdy guy.

DANIEL

Right, and you’re Jeff Bridges or Zach Galifianakis.

ETHAN

Exactly.

DANIEL

You’re such a douche.

Daniel gets up and gets another beer.  He looks in the fridge and realizes that there’s only one more beer.  He grabs it and takes a swig.

ETHAN

(annoyed)

Is that the last beer?  Aw man.

DANIEL

Yep, and it’s mine.  So, when are we leaving for New York?

ETHAN

We’ll probably leave tomorrow afternoon.  It depends on when I can get a hold of my dealer.

DANIEL

Fuck it all to hell.  Fuck, no.  Don’t bring drugs on this trip.

ETHAN

Look, it’s only some shrooms, some pot, and a little bit of hashish.  No big deal.  Besides, what’s a trip without a ‘trip’? Huh?

DANIEL

Ethan, look, I love ya man, but you are really going to fuck up your brain doing that shit.  I mean, not that there’s much in there to begin with.

ETHAN

Daniel, chill.   You should consider harshing your mellow a little, man.  Anyway, there’s a Phish show on New Year’s Eve and I need the right vibes for it.

DANIEL

Ethan, I hate Phish!  And anyway, you don’t have tickets.

ETHAN

Scalpers.  New York is full of ‘em.  I’m sure I’ll snag some good seats.

DANIEL

Well you’re flying solo on that one.

ETHAN

Don’t worry, Melissa is there.  (sings) “Sweet Melissa.”

DANIEL

Isn’t her dad a rabbi?

ETHAN

Yea but she’s a child of the earth who lovves shrooms and Phish.  Plus, I know she’ll have sex with me if she’s tripping.

DANIEL

Only if she’s tripping?

ETHAN

Well, I know she digs me, but she’s a little shy.  I actually think she likes chicks but if she’s tripping, she won’t know the difference.

DANIEL

Great for you. Daniel’s phone rings.  Hold on a sec.  He motions to Ethan and walks into the kitchen. 

(on the phone) Mom?  What?  What do you mean?  No, I’m not planning on coming home.  Where?  To New York with Ethan.  Why?  I wasn’t planning to come home for Christmas.  Why is it so important?  Wait, what?  Are you drunk?  Have you been mixing your pills with wine again?  That is outrageous!  Why the hell would I come home?  WE’RE JEWISH!  No, I know we don’t go to synagogue but that doesn’t mean we all have to be home and spend Christmas together!  I’m going to New York and that’s final.

Daniel hangs up the phone and sits back down on the couch.  He takes a long sip of his beer.

ETHAN

What the hell was that about?  Helen flipping out again?

DANIEL

Well, if you want to know, she suddenly wants everyone home on Christmas to spend it ‘together as a family’.  That doesn’t make any sense at all.  I mean, no we’re not the most Jewish family but we never celebrated Christmas either, well except that one time that I woke up on Christmas morning and found a Voltron castle by the fireplace.

ETHAN

Dude, your family is weird.  What is Helen’s problem anyway?  Her son doesn’t do drugs..

DANIEL

Though he hangs out with ‘druggies’.

ETHAN

Is that what Helen calls me, ‘druggie’?

DANIEL

She says that I could find better company to be with, that’s all.

ETHAN

That bitch!  Well, she won’t ruin our fun, right boy-o?

DANIEL

What do we have planned anyway?

ETHAN

Well, Mister DEA, I thought we could hit up some NYU parties.  Go down to the Village and bar hop.  There’s supposed to be this killer Christmas Eve show at Brooklyn Bowl.  It’s a Jewish party put on by one of those culturally Jewish magazines TRIBE or something.  They’ve got strip dreidel and Manishewitz body shots.  Plus, I think Matisyahu is playing too.  A whole bunch of Jews hanging out on Christmas eve?  C’mon?

DANIEL

Yea, I guess that sounds like fun.

ETHAN

We just gotta get a brotha laid!  And there will be plenty of hot pootytang to sample when we get to the Big Apple. 

DANIEL

I don’t know.  I always seem  to fuck things up.

ETHAN

You just have to try dating girls that aren’t psycho.  Or maybe just date girls who aren’t Jewish at all!  There’s a thought.

DANIEL

Not all the girls I date are psycho, are they?

ETHAN

Freida the Dorrito freak?  She passed out at just the smell of Dorritos and that was before she took hits on the bong.  She also meowed and purred like a cat.  That was bizarre.

DANIEL

What about the girls you date?

ETHAN

Continue.

DANIEL

Heidi?  I seriously thought about calling the National Enquirer to tell them that I had proof of Bigfoot.

ETHAN

Just because she didn’t shave her legs or pits and had big feet.

DANIEL

And smelled like she showered five years ago.

ETHAN

Well, she wasn’t psycho.  Not like Mindy.

DANIEL

Mindy was nice.

ETHAN

Mindy would talk to herself and give lectures even if no one was listening.  Remember when we were on the T and she was holding a conversation with herself in third person?  What the fuck was that?

DANIEL

Okay, okay.  So some of the girls I’ve dated are a bit odd.  So maybe on this trip you can be my wing man.

ETHAN

That’s what I want to hear.  Get back in the game.  Maybe Melissa has a friend.

DANIEL

I’m not into hippie chicks. 

ETHAN

What about the Dixie Chicks?

DANIEL

What?

ETHAN

(fakes a Southern accent) There’s that Coyote Ugly bar in the East Village.  We could saddle you up with a cowgirl like Natalie Maines.  Pause.  You know the lead singer.  She’s hot.  I’d bang her. 

Daniel shakes his head in disgust. 

ETHAN

What about chicks with dicks?  There’s Lucky Cheng’s, a drag karaoke bar on the Lower East Side.  Ladies with large adam’s apples. 

DANIEL

Gross!  No!  You’re sick.  How about a nice normal Jewish-ish girl?

ETHAN

In New York?  You’re lucky to hook up with a girl who doesn’t have STDs.  Normal and Jewish?  You don’t even…(cut off by Daniel’s phone)

DANIEL

Daniel’s phone rings again.  Hold on, man.  Daniel picks up the phone and walks toward the kitchen again.

Mom? Now what?  No.  No.  You ARE NOT doing that.  Fuck no.  Are you seriously nuts?  What about dad?  What about Leah?  Oh, I see.  Well, thanks for ruining my life.

Daniel hangs up the phone and throws it across the room.

ETHAN

What now.  What is Helen going on about now?

DANIEL

She’s coming to New York to (makes air quotes sarcastically)‘spend time with her son’.

ETHAN

What?  When?  How?  What?

DANIEL

She’s flying out tomorrow morning.

ETHAN

Oh holy hell.  Is she coming with us?

DANIEL

Well, she said that she’ll meet us in New York.  It’s another one of her batshit crazy ideas about ‘seizing the moment of the present time’.

ETHAN

Has she been indulging in the self-help section at Barnes and Noble again?  (lightens up, smiles) Well look on the bright side.  She’s not driving with us, so I can still bring the goods.

DANIEL

Dude, no.  Oh shit, this is bad, really bad.

ETHAN

Hey, Daniel.  It’ll be fine.  Besides, when I said I was going to get drugs, I meant I already got them.  There is an awkward pause. So, your mom will also be in New York the same time as us.  So what?

DANIEL

I just want to go pass out and deal with this tomorrow.

ETHAN

Okay, fine with me.  I’m gonna stay up and watch ‘Yellow Submarine’.

DANIEL

You’ve seen it like fifty gazillion times.

ETHAN

Yea, but I think I got an idea for my thesis.

DANIEL

Whatever, I’m going to bed.

Daniel goes into his room and shuts the door behind him.  Ethan stays on the couch watching tv.  Eventually, he passes out on the couch until morning.  The sound of the buzzer wakes him up.  Ethan gets up off of the couch and goes to the door.  He presses the buzzer goes back to the couch.  Then, the doorbell rings and Ethan, confused, goes to the door and looks out of the peephole.  He runs to Daniel’s room and bangs on the door.

ETHAN

Dude, Daniel, wake up.  It’s your mom.  She’s outside our door.

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End of Part 1

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creatively yours,

~R~