As Seen on TV
((this is my original work and any attempt to reprint or copy needs my written permission))
“Bourge has another great product
for you. It will make your hair
shinier and sexier”, says the alluring celebrity spokes model who holds the
bottle of shampoo up to the camera.” You cannot live without this product,
ladies. I promise you, this new
Vi-De Belle hair follicle, vitamin enriched scalp nourishment will change your
life. Trust me. I have the whole
line of Vi-de Belle hair care products and I wouldn’t trust my scalp to
anything else.” The attractive
celebrity winks at the camera and begins to massage the product into her
hair.
The celebrity spokes model, Venus
Starr, is a light skinned black woman with long, straight hair that reaches her
shoulder blades. The hair looks
like a wig, but in fact it is Venus’ own hair. Venus used to have very curly hair that fanned out around
her face when it was shorter. But
because of her contract with Vi-De Belle beauty products, she had to use what
they had to offer. And they didn’t
sell any products for women with curly hair. Curly hair was not deemed popular so all of the Vi-De Belle
products catered to women with straight hair. Hair that was straight as a pin. Hair that you would have to iron to get so arrow straight. Curly was out. Straight was in. That’s what life was like living in a
straight world. A world generated
by Bourge Corps.
Jeremy reflected on all of this as
he watched the commercial. He
hated these ads and hated the celebrity spokes models even more.
“God, I hate Venus Starr. She’s in every damn commercial
nowadays. And she has that new
talk show and apparently is the new face of Vi-de (VIDA) Belle.”
“Oh, I don’t know, she seems pretty
smart. And I think it’s cool that
a child star can have so much success.
At least she’s not washing down pills with booze or injecting heroin
between her toes like other former child stars.”
“Shit, Angela, just because she was
the darling of ‘Our Hearts’ doesn’t give her entitlement to tell everyone what
to buy and how to spend their hard earned money. What was that stupid slogan?”
Angela imitates a television
announcer. “’Home is where Our
Hearts live. America’s most
fetidly wholesome and infectiously loveable family. The Heart family lives in all of our hearts.’ Jeremy, spare
me your rant about celebrities being the balm of your existence.
“Angela, bane, not balm. They have opposite meanings. Bane is something that annoys the hell
out of you. Balm is something that
makes you relax. And did that
theme song really say ‘fetid’ and ‘wholesome’ in the same breath? Fetid is something that smells awful,
like garbage. But I guess that was
before language started changing and up became down and vise versa. Let’s see. It all started with ‘Text Speak’ and now nothing has any
original meaning anymore. Language
has been stripped of context and content.
Everything is ‘luv’ and ‘ick’ and ‘k?”
“It takes too much time to spell
everything out. Text Speak makes
it easier to communicate. And
anyway people don’t spend all their time reading yellowed Pulp like some
people. Why don’t you just get an
EZ Speak Audio Biblio-Reader? You
don’t have to read anything yourself.
It’s all audio and you can pick which celebrity voice you want to hear.”
“That’s the reason I still have old
books and newspapers around. Don’t
call it ‘pulp’. That makes it
sound worthless and unwanted. Like
pulp in juice.”
“I hate pulp in juice. You can’t even buy it anymore. They took a poll and people said they preferred
no pulp so that’s all you can get now.
I like it better that way.”
“And that’s another thing. Why is Bourge Corp taking all of these
stupid polls? If something is
voted as being unpopular, it gets discarded like yesterday’s hamburger wrapper.”
“I like the Bourge Corp polls. Oh, they have a new one out today. It asks you to name your favorite cola
drink. I like Zap Cola better than
Bolt! I hope Zap wins.”
“It probably will since Zap is made
by Soife, which is another Bourge Corps company. Bourge Corps tried to buy Bolt but Goody Cola wouldn’t
budge. So now Bourge Corps is
trying to eliminate the competition.”
Angela was busy looking at herself
in the mirror. She especially
critical about her hair. Secretly,
she wanted her hair to look as straight as Venus Starr’s. Angela had been using a different
shampoo and she made a note to switch.
As her mind was filled with these vapid thoughts, she tried to think of
a way to keep the conversation with Jeremy from going flat.
“I didn’t know all of that,
Jeremy. Are you sure Zap is a
Bourge product? I thought it was
the other way around. The Bolt
commercials are a lot better. And
their jingle is catchier.”
“That’s why Bourge Corps wanted to
buy out Goody Cola. They knew that
their product sold more units and made more money. If you can’t buy ‘em, crush ‘em. You know, that mentality started by what was it, Morbinta
Inc? They started this whole we
kill and crush the competition mentality.
That or force them into bankruptcy if they won’t be bought out. Then buy them out anyway without any
sweet under the table deal.”
“Jeremy, you’re so paranoid. If it weren’t for Morbinta, half the
country would have starved during that severe drought. They made sure that people still had
fresh fruits, vegetables, and meat.”
“You’re so brainwashed, Angela. Morbinta caused that draught by making a deal with the water and electric companies to turn off generators and underground pumps for crops. They took advantage of that summer where temperatures for most of the country were in the triple digits. Only Morbinta farms were producing, and you know that what came out of those farms was not real food.”
“But Morbinta went out of business.
If they ruled over everything with an iron thumb, then how come they aren’t
around anymore.”
“Angela, that’s why I read as much
as I do. All of the answers are in
the pulp that people don’t look at anymore. Morbinta and Bourge Corps are one and the same. Morbinta bought out as much as it
could, pretended to go under, and then changed names and hands a few times to
confuse people.”
“It sounds like science fiction to
me, Jeremy. There’s no way the
good people of America would let all of that happen.”
“Well people only read what’s
downloadable on their EZ-Speak. If
you can even call it reading anymore.
People listen to stories about the salacious tabloids and banal courtroom
dramas.”
“Banal? Salacious? I
don’t even know what that means!
Use English.”
“Angela, it is English! Well, once it was English. No one uses words that are more than
two or three syllables. Anything
that is too complicated is just tossed aside. Language has been redefined by the masses. It’s too bad that the masses were never
that smart to begin with.”
“You’re such a snob. That’s why you don’t have any
friends. That and you don’t have a
Bourge membership. Oh, I forgot to
tell you. I just became Bourge
Elite. You know what that means,
right?”
“Sure. You get a 45% discount on all Bourge Corps products and a
year’s supply of Vi-De Belle beauty products.”
“Yea, that and I can have my bank
account linked to bourge.com. I
don’t have to do anything when I go shopping. I just buy what I want without worrying about it. The money comes straight out of my
account. All of my bank statements
are prepared for me. I don’t have
to balance my own checkbook. The
rest of the money I don’t spend gets put into another account and I don’t have
to pay interest or anything. Plus,
there’s this new automatic online banking buddy system. I don’t even have to go in person
anymore. It’s all done for me.”
“It’s another beautiful way for
Bourge Corps to do all of the thinking for you and put their hands deeper into
your pocket. And tell me, Angela,
what happens if you run low on cash.
If you’re not checking into your account, how would you know?”
“That’s the great thing about being
Bourge Elite! Everything I buy in
stores and online is connected to my account. So, when I go out to eat or shop online, I am barred from
buying anything that is too expensive and outside what my paycheck would allow
me to buy. I told you, the money
is all figured out for me.”
“So wait a minute. Let’s say you’re out to eat and you
feel like a steak instead of a hamburger?”
“The
touch screen menu will block out the steak because it’s too expensive. I’ll only be able to get the hamburger
and other items that fit within my budget.”
“Who
determines what your budget is?”
“I
told you, being a Bourge Elite member has everything figured out for me. Any day now, my Palm Tab should get a
downloaded file explaining what happens with all of my money. Let’s see, if I remember correctly,
after bills are calculated, I’m allowed 25% for clothes and 35% for food.”
“What
about the other 40%?”
“Some
of that goes toward bills. I think
the rest goes into a rainy day account.
I’m not sure. It’s all
explained in the portfolio. I’ll show
it to you when it gets downloaded on my Palm Tab. It will make sense when you see it all explained.”
“I’m
worried, Angela. If you can’t
explain it to me, it doesn’t sound like a very wise plan of action.”
“Oh,
Jeremy, you worry too much. Why don’t
you have a Go-Go Bar or a Mind Booster Shake? You haven’t eaten anything since breakfast.”
“I’ll
just have a salad and some fresh juice.”
Jeremy gets up to look inside of the refrigerator. He has all of his garden produce and
natural food marked with neon green-yellow tape. Anything unnatural, the things that Angela had been eating
lately were marked with black electrical tape. All of Angela’s food was set aside on a different
shelf. In fact, Jeremy mentioned
getting a second refrigerator because he was so worried about the chemicals in
Angela’s food. Angela stopped
thinking about the food she was eating after she started eating what Jeremy
deemed poisonous junk.
“I
don’t even know why you bother, Jeremy.
You’re like the only one in the neighborhood who has a garden. It’s so much work.”
“But
at least I know where my food comes from.
I grow it myself and can control what goes into my body. I don’t know what the hell is in that
crap Bourge Corps puts in stores.
You could be eating cancer on a stick for all you know.”
“Oh,
Jeremy. What am I going to do with
you? “
Angela takes the remote control and changes the
channel. She focuses on the
television and tunes out Jeremy’s conversation.
“Angela,
we used to have intelligent conversations about these things. But you
don’t remember. It was your idea to start the garden
and grow our own food. But you started
getting fast food because it was cheaper.
You changed out your organic soap and shampoo for a Vi-de Belle
membership. And you changed.
That’s when…”
“Shh..quiet down, my favorite show
is coming on.”
“It’s a commercial, Angela. Can’t we talk some more about this. I’m worried about you.”
Angela squeals, “Oh Jeremy, I love
this commercial. The little boy is
so adorable.
She imitates a little boy’s
voice. ‘Can I have anuhduh (another)?’”
“’Eat
a Pow Burger. They’re rich in
vitamins and nutrients. Another
great product by Meaty Delights, a property of Bourge Corps. Bourge Corps knows what America’s
children prefer.’ A little boy
eats a burger that looks like a cross between Spam and pulled pork. He gets what looks like ketchup or
barbeque sauce all over his mouth and smiles. The little boy looks up past the camera and asks, “Mom, I’m still hungry. Can I have anuhduh?” The phrase, “Can I have another”
sticks out in big red letters while the jingle for Pow Burger plays in the background. Angela hums along to the music.
“I
think I’m gonna go out and get a Pow Burger! I’ll be right back.”
“Are you sure you don’t want some salad instead? Angela, I think tonight I’ll make a
vegetarian lasagna. I’ll even make
the pasta from scratch. How about
that instead?”
“I’m really in the mood for a Pow Burger and a Mind Booster
Shake. I can get one for you
too. I still have a full food
quota.”
“Angela, I love you.
I want to make a baby with you.”
“Silly, you know we can’t have any more children. We tried once and it didn’t work
out.” Angela gives Jeremy a kiss
on the forehead and grabs her purse. “I think I’ll get some of that new Vi-De
Belle shampoo too.” Angela leaves
Jeremy sitting on the couch by himself, unaware that anything is out of the
ordinary.
Jeremy sat there in the mid-afternoon sunlight streaming
through the window and thought about Angela. They wanted children once. But Angela’s body wasn’t able to make a baby without huge
risks. So the doctor put a black x
over her medical file and that was that.
They could try to adopt but only if both of them were Bourge Corps
members. And Jeremy refused to get
even a Bourge Basic Membership.
Angela joined partially out of a glimmering hope that Jeremy would join
her and partly to save on finances in case they actually did end up being able
to adopt. Then it all
changed. Angela cared more about
material things. Then she bought
that EZ-Speak. And her language
began to change. Everything about
her was different. She looked more
and more like the celebrity spokes models on TV than the woman he married. Jeremy wondered what the future held
for them, as a couple.
Does he
still love her? Will he stay with
her?
Tune in and find out what happens tonight on ‘Love
Electric’, another original, smash series from Hunter Broadcasting, a Bourge
Corps Production.
-----------
Tune on, tune in, drop out,
~R~
Tune on, tune in, drop out,
~R~
