NOTE: It started as a short story but I changed it to a play because, well, it was funneling out more as a play in my head. I think it sits better as a play; that's how I was visualizing it.
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What’s a Jew to
Do?
(this is my original work and any attempt to reprint or copy needs my written permission)
Part 1
Lights up on a
stage set to look like a college apartment. There is a couch set at a diagonal CSR. A computer desk is across from it SL. Daniel’s bedroom is DSR and Ethan’s
bedroom is DSL. The kitchen area
is UCS and the front door is USL.
The stage can be pretty bare except for the necessities like a couch and
a desk with a laptop.
Daniel and Ethan
are dressed like typical college students. Except that Daniel is much more clean cut than Ethan. Ethan is a ‘hippie Jew’ and can have
tie-dye, dreads, overalls, the works.
Daniel is wearing jeans and a college sweatshirt. Though they contrast, it shouldn’t be
too apparent.
ETHAN
(with a Santa hat,
singing)
“Rockin’ around the
Christmas tree, have a happy holiday.
Everyone dancing merrily in a new old fashioned way.”
DANIEL
(annoyed)
Cut that shit out,
Ethan!
ETHAN
Daniel, chill, the
song was written by a member of the tribe, after all!
Daniel walks
across the apartment to the computer and turns the speakers down.
ETHAN
I mean, it’s not like
you’re going to synagogue these days.
The last time you went was Yom Kippur nineteen ninety what?
DANIEL
Ethan, I don’t mind
the Christmas carols, really I don’t.
I just wish you wouldn’t blast them and sing along like we’re Santa’s
fucking elves or something.
ETHAN
Okay, okay. I get it.” Ethan walks to the computer and begins typing something
that Daniel cannot see. He, in fact, changes the
Pandora station on the computer which changes the mood entirely. “Maybe
you vant a little bit of the old country, nu? Daniel, boychik? (pinches Daniel’s cheek)
Some very “Jewish”
sounding klezmer band music starts to play. Ethan begins to clap his hands together first left, then
right. He then begins to stomp on
the floor making it look like he knows what he’s doing but in fact he is
ad-libbing a ‘tribal’ looking Jewish dance.
DANIEL
That’s not much
better. Why can’t you just turn on
some indie or 70’s power rock? You
know, like a normal person?
ETHAN
Damn, dude. Are you still pissed after Alana dumped
you? What did she say, that you
weren’t ‘Jewish’ enough or something?
DANIEL
Ethan, can we please
not talk about this. Daniel
sulks for a second and takes another swig of his Sam Adams Winter Lager. Okay,
for your information, I went to dinner with Alana and her parents. It was a complete fucking
disaster. We went to this kosher
deli over in Brookline and it was, what do you call it when you can only eat
meat?
ETHAN
Ethan clears his
throat and makes a sound like he is going to spit. ‘Fleishig?’
DANIEL
Yea, and so we sit
down to eat. Me, being a dumbass,
asks the waiter for a cheeseburger.
ETHAN
So? Dude, there are lots of Jews who eat
cheeseburgers.
DANIEL
Yea, but Alana’s
parents are pretty Jewish. They
didn’t even want to eat at this restaurant that Alana picked because they
didn’t think it was ‘kosher’ enough.
ETHAN
What do you
mean? A restaurant is either
kosher or not, end of story.
DANIEL
Ethan, apparently,
some restaurants are like SUPER kosher because of the rabbi blessing the food
or something. So this restaurant
ended up being fine, but believe me, Alana’s parents had to talk to the owner
and chefs for like twenty minutes.
They flipped out because they saw a woman eating a bagel with cream
cheese. But, the cream cheese was
tofu and therefore..
ETHAN
Therefore, it wasn’t
dairy. It was pareve, so the
restaurant wasn’t mixing meat and milk.
DANIEL
Right. But Alan’s mother nearly had a coronary
right then and there. That woman
is so uptight. But anyway, so we
sit down and Alana’s father is even wearing a yarmulke.
ETHAN
Alan’s mom is hot,
dude. Does she wear a sheitel
though?
DANIEL
A what?
ETHAN
You know, a wig. I think Orthodox women who wear wigs
are even hotter than those who don’t.
DANIEL
You’re fucked. No, she wears hats. You know, those big frilly elaborate
hats that probably cost $300 each.
But, you’re getting me off the point, shitwad!
ETHAN
Okay, well go
on. I’m all ears.
DANIEL
Well, so anyway,
everyone is ordering, and I ask for a cheeseburger. Then, Alana’s parents stare at me in shock. They didn’t know, though, that the
restaurant also had vegetarian cheese.
ETHAN
Okay, so they think
you’re a little out of it. But,
why is that such a big deal?
DANIEL
Well it’s what
happens next. Do you remember the
story of when I was a kid?
ETHAN
Which one, your
family is really fucked up.
DANIEL
The one where I go to
Sunday School and learn about being kosher. I then go home and tell my parents that I want to keep kosher. So they agree and try it, though they
continue eating shrimp and ham.
So, every Saturday morning, my mom would cook a special, big breakfast.
ETHAN
You know that if your
parents were respecting your wish to keep kosher then they should have also
told you about not cooking on the Sabbath.
DANIEL
Whatever, will you
let me continue? Ethan nods. Okay,
so every Saturday morning, my mom liked to cook eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes,
the works, ya know? So, me wanting
to keep kosher, she tries to buy these tofu sausages that taste like
cardboard. So, usually I just eat
what everyone else has except for the pork products. So, there’s this one specialty she makes called
‘backahn’. I used to think it was
out of some special Jewish cookbook.
It was so good.
ETHAN
Dude, I’ve never
heard of ‘backahn’.
DANIEL
That’s because it
doesn’t exist. While I was
at lunch with the Nissenbaums, I take some ‘backahn’ out of my coat
pocket. You know, I carry it
around and eat it like beef jerky sometimes.
ETHAN
That’s weird, dude.
DANIEL
So when I get my burger, I put it on my
plate. Everyone, including the
waiter just stares at me, horrified, like I had just slaughtered a baby deer
right on the table!
ETHAN
Why? I don’t get it.
DANIEL
After Alana refused
to every see me again, I called my mom and asked her about it directly. I asked her why my eating the ‘backahn’
caused the restaurant to temporarily close and Alan’s parents to cover their
eyes, run out the door, push Alana in the back seat of their car, and speed
away like...
ETHAN
Like they had seen
Satan in the flesh?
DANIEL
Ethan, Jews don’t
believe in Satan!
ETHAN
Yes they do. He’s in the story about Adam and
Eve. Anyway, what did your mom
tell you?
DANIEL
You know for someone
so knowledgeable about Judaism, you sure don’t act very ‘Jewish’.
ETHAN
What does that
mean? I’m a Rasta Jew, mon. I smoke da herb like my forefathers
did.
DANIEL
Not this bullshit
again how Moses and Abraham got high.
ETHAN
How else do you
explain burning bushes and oceans moving?
Totally psychedelic! But,
back to you. What about this
‘backahn’ thing?
DANIEL
So, when I called my
mom and told her about the Alana incident, she told me, very matter-of-factly,
that this entire time I had been eating bacon. ‘Backahn’ WAS bacon.
She told me that I enjoyed it so much that she didn’t have the heart to
tell her six year old that it wasn’t kosher for Jews to eat. Apparently, even after I stopped trying
to be kosher, she never told her twenty two year old son either.
ETHAN
Oh damn. I didn’t realize your family was that
fucked. So that’s why Alana dumped
you. She had big tits. That’s too bad.
DANIEL
Dude, is that all you
think about?
ETHAN
Pretty much. Ethan
takes gets up to turn off the music and gets another beer. So we’re all set to go to New York for New Years,
right? We’ll stay at my cousin’s
apartment. He’s in Israel with his
family right now.
DANIEL
Your cousin
Josh? Isn’t he gay?
ETHAN
That’s why his
parents are taking him to Israel.
To find him a ‘nice Jewish girl’ and a rabbi who will ‘cure him’.
DANIEL
Dude, you think my
family’s fucked up. Look at yours.
ETHAN
It’s just my mom’s
sister’s family. They’re all whack
jobs. My mom hardly ever talks to
Aunt Miriam. You know, she was in
a cult in the sixties. She lived
on a commune out in California and did tons of LSD. I think it fried her brain a little bit. She ended up marrying this really
religious guy with lots of money and she’s become kind of frum.
DANIEL
Huh?
ETHAN
You know,
Orthodox. She covers her head and
doesn’t wear pants. When she found
out Josh was gay, she flipped out.
So now, they’re all in Israel, finding their Jewish roots as a family. And finding Josh a nice, quiet Jewish
girl who will put up with his ‘eccentricities’.
DANIEL
Aren’t there gay
people in Israel?
ETHAN
Yea, totally. Josh will be fine. I’m sure he’ll meet some big butch army
guy and come back here and get married right here in gay old Massachusetts.
DANIEL
I’m sure your aunt
would love that. She’d have him
committed.
ETHAN
So, dude, anyway,
their apartment is huge. It’s in
Brooklyn Heights in this really expensive neighborhood. Plus, we’ll have it all to ourselves. Think about it. What could two dudes like us do with
such a situation? It’d be like
‘Big Lebowski’ or ‘Hangover’ proportions minus the scrawny, nerdy guy.
DANIEL
Right, and you’re
Jeff Bridges or Zach Galifianakis.
ETHAN
Exactly.
DANIEL
You’re such a douche.
Daniel gets up and
gets another beer. He looks in the
fridge and realizes that there’s only one more beer. He grabs it and takes a swig.
ETHAN
(annoyed)
Is that the last
beer? Aw man.
DANIEL
Yep, and it’s
mine. So, when are we leaving for
New York?
ETHAN
We’ll probably leave
tomorrow afternoon. It depends on
when I can get a hold of my dealer.
DANIEL
Fuck it all to
hell. Fuck, no. Don’t bring drugs on this trip.
ETHAN
Look, it’s only some
shrooms, some pot, and a little bit of hashish. No big deal.
Besides, what’s a trip without a ‘trip’? Huh?
DANIEL
Ethan, look, I love ya
man, but you are really going to fuck up your brain doing that shit. I mean, not that there’s much in there
to begin with.
ETHAN
Daniel, chill. You should consider harshing your
mellow a little, man. Anyway,
there’s a Phish show on New Year’s Eve and I need the right vibes for it.
DANIEL
Ethan, I hate
Phish! And anyway, you don’t have
tickets.
ETHAN
Scalpers. New York is full of ‘em. I’m sure I’ll snag some good seats.
DANIEL
Well you’re flying
solo on that one.
ETHAN
Don’t worry, Melissa
is there. (sings) “Sweet Melissa.”
DANIEL
Isn’t her dad a
rabbi?
ETHAN
Yea but she’s a child
of the earth who lovves shrooms and Phish. Plus, I know she’ll have sex with me if she’s tripping.
DANIEL
Only if she’s tripping?
ETHAN
Well, I know she digs
me, but she’s a little shy. I
actually think she likes chicks but if she’s tripping, she won’t know the
difference.
DANIEL
Great for you. Daniel’s
phone rings. Hold on a sec. He
motions to Ethan and walks into the kitchen.
(on the phone) Mom?
What? What do you
mean? No, I’m not planning on
coming home. Where? To New York with Ethan. Why? I wasn’t planning to come home for Christmas. Why is it so important? Wait, what? Are you drunk?
Have you been mixing your pills with wine again? That is outrageous! Why the hell would I come home? WE’RE JEWISH! No, I know we don’t go to synagogue but that doesn’t mean we
all have to be home and spend Christmas together! I’m going to New York and that’s final.
Daniel hangs up
the phone and sits back down on the couch. He takes a long sip of his beer.
ETHAN
What the hell was
that about? Helen flipping out
again?
DANIEL
Well, if you want to
know, she suddenly wants everyone home on Christmas to spend it ‘together as a
family’. That doesn’t make any sense
at all. I mean, no we’re not the
most Jewish family but we never celebrated Christmas either, well except that
one time that I woke up on Christmas morning and found a Voltron castle by the
fireplace.
ETHAN
Dude, your family is weird.
What is Helen’s problem anyway?
Her son doesn’t do drugs..
DANIEL
Though he hangs out
with ‘druggies’.
ETHAN
Is that what Helen
calls me, ‘druggie’?
DANIEL
She says that I could
find better company to be with, that’s all.
ETHAN
That bitch! Well, she won’t ruin our fun, right
boy-o?
DANIEL
What do we have
planned anyway?
ETHAN
Well, Mister DEA, I
thought we could hit up some NYU parties.
Go down to the Village and bar hop. There’s supposed to be this killer Christmas Eve show at
Brooklyn Bowl. It’s a Jewish party
put on by one of those culturally Jewish magazines TRIBE or something. They’ve got strip dreidel and Manishewitz
body shots. Plus, I think
Matisyahu is playing too. A whole
bunch of Jews hanging out on Christmas eve? C’mon?
DANIEL
Yea, I guess that
sounds like fun.
ETHAN
We just gotta get a
brotha laid! And there will be
plenty of hot pootytang to sample when we get to the Big Apple.
DANIEL
I don’t know. I always seem to fuck things up.
ETHAN
You just have to try
dating girls that aren’t psycho.
Or maybe just date girls who aren’t Jewish at all! There’s a thought.
DANIEL
Not all the girls I
date are psycho, are they?
ETHAN
Freida the Dorrito
freak? She passed out at just the
smell of Dorritos and that was before she took hits on the bong. She also meowed and purred like a
cat. That was bizarre.
DANIEL
What about the girls
you date?
ETHAN
Continue.
DANIEL
Heidi? I seriously thought about calling the
National Enquirer to tell them that I had proof of Bigfoot.
ETHAN
Just because she didn’t
shave her legs or pits and had big feet.
DANIEL
And smelled like she
showered five years ago.
ETHAN
Well, she wasn’t
psycho. Not like Mindy.
DANIEL
Mindy was nice.
ETHAN
Mindy would talk to
herself and give lectures even if no one was listening. Remember when we were on the T and she
was holding a conversation with herself in third person? What the fuck was that?
DANIEL
Okay, okay. So some of the girls I’ve dated are a
bit odd. So maybe on this trip you
can be my wing man.
ETHAN
That’s what I want to
hear. Get back in the game. Maybe Melissa has a friend.
DANIEL
I’m not into hippie
chicks.
ETHAN
What about the Dixie
Chicks?
DANIEL
What?
ETHAN
(fakes a Southern
accent) There’s that Coyote Ugly bar in the
East Village. We could saddle you
up with a cowgirl like Natalie Maines.
Pause. You know the lead singer. She’s hot. I’d
bang her.
Daniel shakes his
head in disgust.
ETHAN
What about chicks
with dicks? There’s Lucky Cheng’s,
a drag karaoke bar on the Lower East Side. Ladies with large adam’s apples.
DANIEL
Gross! No! You’re sick.
How about a nice normal Jewish-ish girl?
ETHAN
In New York? You’re lucky to hook up with a girl who
doesn’t have STDs. Normal and
Jewish? You don’t even…(cut off
by Daniel’s phone)
DANIEL
Daniel’s phone
rings again. Hold on, man. Daniel
picks up the phone and walks toward the kitchen again.
Mom? Now what? No. No. You ARE NOT
doing that. Fuck no. Are you seriously nuts? What about dad? What about Leah? Oh, I see. Well, thanks for ruining my life.
Daniel hangs up
the phone and throws it across the room.
ETHAN
What now. What is Helen going on about now?
DANIEL
She’s coming to New
York to (makes air quotes sarcastically)‘spend
time with her son’.
ETHAN
What? When? How? What?
DANIEL
She’s flying out
tomorrow morning.
ETHAN
Oh holy hell. Is she coming with us?
DANIEL
Well, she said that
she’ll meet us in New York. It’s
another one of her batshit crazy ideas about ‘seizing the moment of the present
time’.
ETHAN
Has she been indulging
in the self-help section at Barnes and Noble again? (lightens up, smiles)
Well look on the bright side.
She’s not driving with us, so I can still bring the goods.
DANIEL
Dude, no. Oh shit, this is bad, really bad.
ETHAN
Hey, Daniel. It’ll be fine. Besides, when I said I was going to get
drugs, I meant I already got them.
There is an awkward pause. So,
your mom will also be in New York the same time as us. So what?
DANIEL
I just want to go
pass out and deal with this tomorrow.
ETHAN
Okay, fine with
me. I’m gonna stay up and watch
‘Yellow Submarine’.
DANIEL
You’ve seen it like
fifty gazillion times.
ETHAN
Yea, but I think I
got an idea for my thesis.
DANIEL
Whatever, I’m going
to bed.
Daniel goes into
his room and shuts the door behind him.
Ethan stays on the couch watching tv. Eventually, he passes out on the couch until morning. The sound of the buzzer wakes him
up. Ethan gets up off of the couch
and goes to the door. He presses
the buzzer goes back to the couch.
Then, the doorbell rings and Ethan, confused, goes to the door and looks
out of the peephole. He runs to
Daniel’s room and bangs on the door.
ETHAN
Dude, Daniel, wake
up. It’s your mom. She’s outside our door.
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End of Part 1
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creatively yours,
~R~
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