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Thursday, September 19, 2013

An open letter to Miss N:


Dear Miss N:

Darling, I truly love you but I'm afraid that our relationship may have to end soon.  That is, if you don't keep up your end of the bargain.  I keep trying to make things work but relationships cannot run on one individual's steam.  I have been trying so hard, and you continually give me very little effort.  You see, it wasn't supposed to be like this.  Things were supposed to be very different.  You promised me success and riches.  You told me I had lots of promise and that you'd take care of me.  Yet, all you've done is use and use me time and time again.  You hold fickle promises of better days and keep promising that things will improve for us.

See, you are so beautiful.  You're way out of my league.  You're intelligent, charming, dazzling, and always seem to be the life of the party.  I just can't keep up with you.  You're always up late at the most upscale parties canoodling with the who's who of NYC.  I never ever get invited.  I just sit home and wait for your return to me.  I'm always on the outside looking in.  You promised that I'd be part of your world but so far it's just empty promises.  Talk is cheap, but you charge nearly $3 a minute.  I don't see this relationship ending on a positive note so I'm writing to you to explain why I might need to leave you.

I don't think it will matter to you, though.  You have lots of friends and lovers, nearly 8 million of them to be exact.  If I left, you wouldn't even notice my absence.  I can't keep beating myself up thinking that  I'm the one who is in the wrong.  The fact is that you're just too upscale for my taste.  I never even had a chance with you.  You're smarter, prettier, and more successful than anyone I've ever known.  And that scares the hell out of me.  I always feel like I'm running on a treadmill stuck at the same speed while you speed by in your shiny Lamborghini.  I'm just dead in the water staying with you.

The only way I'll be able to stay together with you is if you change your tune with me.  You have to pay more attention to me and make me feel that our courtship is worthwhile.  Make me feel like all the gambles, that I took to be with you, are worth it.  I want you to directly tell me that I'm special and that every pitfall was worth the risk.  But I barely get anything from you nowadays.  You're too busy flitting around with losers and schemers who don't appreciate you like I do.  I do.  I'm the real deal.  I'm a dreamer and still have lots of hopes that have been left unanswered.  You should know that I love you.  I love you more than you know.  I have dreamed of being with you since I was a teenager.  I had pictures of you on my dorm room wall.  You were the only one I ever wanted to be with.  I love and adore you more than you'll ever know.  Why waste your time with people who don't respect and honor you like I do?  Get rid of all those deadbeats you call friends.  I'm a true friend.  But you don't see that.  That's why I think it's over. 

If things don't change in the next few months, then I'll have no choice but to look for love and attention elsewhere.  I cannot run on empty like this for much longer.  The blank stares and empty promises are too much.  I keep hoping that you'll look at me and say I'm totally right.  That you think I'm important and special.  That things will change permanently.  That you'll spend more time with me and give me the things you promised in the first  place.  That would be the day my dreams come true.  The day that you look into my eyes and let me share a piece of your luminescent universe would be the greatest day of my 31 years of life.

But I don't see that happening.  What I foresee, if we stay together, is catastrophe.  Total and utter chaos.  I barely see you anymore.  You don't make me happy anymore.  The magic that was in our relationship, at the very beginning, has fizzled out.  I'm broke, metaphorically and literally.  Financially, I can't take advantage of all you have to offer.  Even having coffee with you for nearly $5 is too rich for my blood.  A night out is $12-$15 per drink, and you never pay.  Though I always offer to pay for you, you hardly ever reciprocate.

I'm tired of running in circles, doll face.  You're beautiful but  a lot of it is an artifice, a veneer.  I see through all the make-up and glitter.  Truth is you're vapid and shallow.  You promised me so much and have only let me down.  You said I was the only one for you.  Though, I'm sure you say that to every young ingenue and sycophant.  Even though you told me I wouldn't find anyone as amazing as you, I know that I could.  And I will.  I can find someone else who makes up in loyalty for your complete lack of it.  And I know about all the others.  The young souls you lure to you and promise the same things.  Yet, you give them what they want because they sacrifice things that I cannot.  They don't have children, a family, the same kind of morals as I do.  But I've said too much already.

I think my blathering on does not help to change your mind about anything.  Even if I did leave tomorrow, you wouldn't give a damn.  You'd laugh your raucous, empty cackle and light your electronic cigarette while in the bed of yet some other young, handsome, but more naive lover.  You never cared how much I admired or loved you.  Showering you with praise and affection didn't do anything except feed your ego.  What's more is that I was always first to defend you in coversation to friends and relations.  They thought I was wasting my time and told me how dangerous you were.  I ignored them and laughed at their advice.  I knew that all of the time I put into our  relationship would one day pay off.  But I'm slowly realizing that the naysayers were completely right.

I can't live like this anymore.  We are going to have to go our separate ways unless things turn around drastically after you reading this.  And if we do have to part ways, I hope that we're able to remain friends.  I'll still come to visit you and admire your greatness from afar.  I just will not be able to remain in the center of your shadow.  I hoep you understand this 'dear John' letter from me.  It comes from the bottom of my heart.  I also know that you get letters like this on a daily basis.  But hopefully the words, because they're coming from me, mean a little bit more.  You will never know how much I love and fawn over you.  But I fear that what I have come to love is an illusion, a fiction that never was real. The truth is too ugly to face.  Beneath all the make-up, jewels, furs, and silk, you're just like any other.   

So with that, I'm going to do what I have to do in order to come to terms with what has come to pass.  I will make sure that my surrvial and well-being come first, for once.



PS: This song is dedicated to  you Miss N.

cover of Frank Sinatra's 'New York' by Cat Power 

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